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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through exposure therapy, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This journey will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.